I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
