The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
