I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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