a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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