I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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