I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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