Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
