so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
