i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
