u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
