I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
