She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
