I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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