So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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