I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
As shirtless as possible
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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