The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
