oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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