I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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