you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
