In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
