Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
