batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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