i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
