Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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