God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
