last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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