So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
