I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
