all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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