splinters make it hard to masturbate
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My vagina just clenched in fear
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
