You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
