new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
