and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
