i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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