They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I am morally bankrupt
He uses pillows to masturbate.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
