I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
