im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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