I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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