I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
