we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
