Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think people are normalizing furries
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
