it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
