why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
