i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
