why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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