did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
