someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
