I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
