You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
