My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
