I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
being pregnant is like rehab
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
